I’m not sure what year it was that Mrs Proclaims started buying me a giant birthday cookie in lieu of a birthday cake. I’d guess it would’ve been around 2014, which would have been the first birthday I celebrated in my current abode, which is within walking distance of the shop which sells the cookies…
A Mother By Any Other Name
Yesterday was Mothering Sunday in the UK (and quite possibly in some other countries too). It was also Mother’s Day, which is, I think, an entirely different thing, albeit one was born of the other. Mothering Sunday, as I understand it (and I rarely understand very much at all) is less about mothers and more…
Of Pizza, Proficiency and Pipe Cleaners
As if oft the case, it is Saturday afternoon as I write this. Little Proclaims and I are sitting at the dining table, while Mrs Proclaims and Mini Proclaims are upstairs. Mrs is writing her thesis and Mini is taking a much needed nap (I’m not sure it was Mini herself who needed the nap…
The Dangers of Alphabet Themed Food
Most weekdays I’m not involved in the process of feeding my children. By the time I get home from work, Mrs Proclaims has taken care of the evening meal for them and herself. She hands over parental responsibility to me at that point and disappears into the world of her doctoral studies and I then…
A Public Announcement
It is February half term in the UK, and being an employee of an institution that allegedly provides education to young people, I have the week off work. In theory at least. In actual fact I have a backlog of paperwork that is, in some cases, embarrassingly overdue, and I really should spend this week…
Oops
When I was a child, TV in the UK consisted of four channels. In England that would have been BBC1, BBC2, ITV and Channel 4. In Wales, where I grew up, there was no Channel 4. We had S4C. Which was entirely in Welsh. I don’t really speak Welsh, although I did learn a bit…
A Fishy Issue
As we said goodbye to JanuaryAnd associated fadsSuch as Veganuary(In which I did not participateOut of sympathy to vegetariansWho surely must feel a levelOf antipathy towards vegansWho have rather stolen their thunder)I reflected on whether I might everAdopt a specific dietary practiceAnd adhere to it faithfully Because I could see the benefitsOf being a little…
Morning Song
In all likelihood this will be the last thing I post in January 2024 because January 2024 is almost over. As Januaries go, this has not been as eternal as some have felt in the past, which is possibly due to the fact that, as a result of some strange quirk in the UK school…
This Poem Is Not That Poem
This poemIs not that poem It’s a different verseNeither better nor worseIt’s just not the sameAnd it doesn’t claimTo be that poem To be exactIt is in factThis poem Which is fineIt’s not a signOf things amissTo be thisAnd not thatOr a catOr a hatOr a bat It’s this poemWhich is not that poem
James Complains About Parking Apps
Prior to becoming a parent, I had no idea what ‘soft play’ was. Indeed for quite some time after becoming a parent I was only really notionally aware of ‘soft play’. I knew it was a thing but mainly it was a thing that happened to other parents. Occasionally Mrs Proclaims mentioned taking Little Proclaims…
Never Meet Your Poetry
I’ve written meta poems beforeThough I’ve never met this one I’m sureFor if this poem were a personMeeting it could only worsenMy antipathy towards this verseAlthough I’ve probably written worsePersonification of a rhymeAs bad as this might be a crimeSo I’ll never meet my poetryWhy I write it is a mystery
Strawberry Vomit Forever
Every Saturday, during term time, I take Little Proclaims to French School. In spite of the fact that I, as a child, hated every second I spent in school, I am nothing if not hypocritical, and I make sure my eldest child not only attends compulsory education, but also has to give up at least…
Sometimes You Have To Be A Little Bit Naughty
It is Sunday afternoon as I write this. Mini Proclaims is napping, having recently covered herself and much of the dining table in my home-made sweet potato soup. She does enjoy a bowl of soup. Not to eat seemingly, more to ‘accessorise’. ‘Soup’ is a word she does occasionally use in conversation, and her vocabulary is…
The Virtue Of Patience
I’m waiting in for a man Who can fix my roofBecause I can’t fix my roofI’m rather lacking in that skillThe man is now 45 minutes lateOf his revised ETAAn ETA he only told me aboutWhen he was already 30 minutes lateFor the original appointmentWhich was at a time he suggestedAnd which, to accommodate himI…
To Blog Or Not To Blog – That’s Not Really A Question
Assuming that I finish writing this post and deem it worthy of publication (and the quality control on my blog is such that if I finish writing something I instantly deem it worthy of publication on these pages, irrespective of whether it’s actually any good), then it will be my 33rd post in as many…
Resolutioniary Road
Like most of its predecessors, 2024 is a year. Whether it is a good year or a bad year (or a blameless measurement of time passing) is yet to be determined but it has now made a start. And when a year starts, it is important that we all take some time to reflect on…
The Inescapable James Proclaims New Year’s Eve Review Of The Year That Was
According to my understanding of the Gregorian calendar, today is the last day of the year that I have mainly been referring to as ‘2023’. And if that is the case, then I must abide by my own rules and produce some kind of a review of the year. Because I do it every year.…
Old Christmas Tree
Old Christmas tree, Old Christmas tree!How are thy leaves so plastic!Old Christmas tree, Old Christmas tree,I’m not being sarcastic In the loft in the summertime,I get thee down at ChristmastimeOld Christmas tree, Old Christmas tree,I think thou art quite broken Old Christmas tree, Old Christmas tree,Much pleasure did thou bring me!Old Christmas tree, Old Christmas…
I’m Not Dreaming of a White Christmas
I’m not dreaming of a white ChristmasJust like the ones I’ve never knownWith my gas bill risingThere’s no disguisingThe last thing that I need is snow. I’m not dreaming of a white ChristmasThe Christmas cards I sent were lateBut I’m still quite full of good cheerBecause all my Christmases have beer
Have Yourself A Calorific Christmas
Have yourself a calorific Christmas,Take another biteFrom now on,Our slippers will be out of sightHave yourself a lazy little Christmas,Eat the Yule-tide log,From now on,We’ll resolve not to ever jog Here we gorge on unhealthy food,Full of sugar we adoreChocolate boxes so near to usThat we need to have one more. At New Year we’ll…
Sulking in a Christmas Traffic Jam
Sirens blareAre you listeningIn the lanesDrivers bristlingA depressing sightIt’s crappy tonightSulking in a Christmas traffic jam Gone away is all hope nowHere to stay is a new lowThe queue looks so longAs we don’t go alongSulking in a Christmas traffic jam At the junction we can try a new routeAnd pretend that it will some…
The Day After Christmas
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, Not a calorie was burning, no-one would espouse, Any kind of activity, except watching telly, For more had been consumed than a bowl full of jelly And just before resolutions of New Year we make, (The ones that we keep for days and then break),…
The Ninth Annual Christmas Message from James Proclaims
As I write this, some potatoes are roasting in my oven. They are basking contently in olive oil, garlic and rosemary. I’m quietly confident they will be delicious in about 45 minutes from now. At various points I will need to pop a few vegetables into the oven to keep them company on their journey…
The Seventh Annual James Proclaims Advent Calendar of Christmas(ish) Films – Door 24
It’s Christmas Eve once more and so once again the folly of my annual advent calendar of movies that are a bit Christmas(ish) must draw to a close. And what better way to go out than 2021’s Spider-Man: No Way Home? That is a clearly a rhetorical question for there is no better way. As…
The Seventh Annual James Proclaims Advent Calendar of Christmas(ish) Films – Door 23
I don’t know if 1990’s Home Alone is a good film or not. I honestly can’t be objective about it at all. I’m not sure when I first saw it, but I do know I rented (or got my parents to rent it) from our local video shop at some point in the early 90s…
The Seventh Annual James Proclaims Advent Calendar of Christmas(ish) Films – Door 22
2008’s Step Brothers is very much the kind of movie you might expect a late 2000’s movie starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly to be. If you watch the trailer then you really don’t need to watch the rest of the movie unless you really like that kind of thing. Which sadly I don’t.…
The Seventh Annual James Proclaims Advent Calendar of Christmas(ish) Films – Door 21
2006’s Starter For Ten is a relatively undemanding coming-of-age comedy that is as quintessentially British as they come. It’s not massively original and a little too content to indulge in clichés throughout. Also, the cast playing the supposedly first-year university students are all, quite evidently, in their mid-twenties. However, the notion of basing the plot…
The Seventh Annual James Proclaims Advent Calendar of Christmas(ish) Films – Door 20
While my efforts to catalogue every movie with even the most tenuous links to Christmas in the form of an annual Advent calendar might seem a tad pointless, I am occasionally rewarded for my endeavours. For were it not for this yearly exercise in futility I would not have chanced upon a film called Happy…
The Seventh Annual James Proclaims Advent Calendar of Christmas(ish) Films – Door 19
I didn’t hate 2005’s The Family Stone but I’m not sure I really liked it all that much either. It mostly seems to be about a people who are quite hard to like, not being liked by other people who are also hard to like. They mostly do seem to end up liking each other…
The Seventh Annual James Proclaims Advent Calendar of Christmas(ish) Films – Door 18
Having included The Expendables 2 in last year’s Christmas countdown, I felt it only right to revisit the original movie for this year’s efforts. As someone who has always enjoyed a 90s action movie, even those of dubious quality, I was pretty excited about seeing this first instalment of Stallone’s homage to the genre. And,…
The Seventh Annual James Proclaims Advent Calendar of Christmas(ish) Films – Door 17
2021’s The Tomorrow War was denied a cinematic release due to the Covid 19 pandemic, which is a shame because it really is the kind of movie that was made for the big screen. Not that it’s especially good, because it isn’t, but it does have lots of explosions and action and stuff, which would…
James Proclaims! 